Flying low

I am a poor flier. Flying trans-continental flights & being in transit in airport lounges are perhaps my two most hated things – and they go together! Here’s my itinerary this time –

• Hyderabad – Abu Dhabi, Etihad Airline: 4½ hours
  
• Layover in Abu Dhabi: 4 hours
  
• Abu Dhabi – Chicago, Etihad Airline: 15½ hours
  
• Layover in Chicago – 3 hours
  
• Flight delayed by – 2 hours
  
• Chicago – Seattle, American Airline – 4 hours
  
• Stay in Seattle – 4 days
  
• Head back same route!
  

When I’m flying, I’m crabby, irritable, neurotic and on edge – I deal with the uncertainty & ambiguity by being (too) early for my flights, (too) detail oriented (I check my tickets every 5 minutes to see if they’ve changed!) and (too) anal-retentive (I ask the attendant if the flight is on time each time I check my tickets).

The sleep-deprivation and venti coffees don’t help. Traveling on well-worn routes and airlines help – the familiarity of airports and procedures eases the tension and confusion.

This time, I was on a new route (I usually go through Europe), new layover airport (never been to Abu Dhabi before), a new airport to enter the US (Chicago – I usually go direct to Seattle) and a new airline (I usually do Lufthansa, this time it was Etihad). This added greatly to my misery and grief.

What are the fears I have when I’m flying? Here’s an (incomplete) list of my neuroses:

• I’ll miss my flight (eh, lowball of neuroses)
  
• I’ll be allowed to board a flight that isn’t to my destination (“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard the flight to Tuvalu”)
  
• There will be a terminal change at the last moment or I got the terminal number wrong (“The flight will now depart from Gate 32 instead of Gate 7 – in 5 minutes”)
  
• I’ll be deported at immigration (“Sir, you will need to fly back tomorrow. You can sleep in the terminal.”)
  
• I’ll be asked for papers I do not have at immigration (“Where is your wife’s birth certificate?!”)
  
• My bags will not arrive (especially bad when you aren’t through checked-in to your final destination)
  
• I’ll pick up someone else’s bags (remember “Eight heads in a duffel bag”?)
  
• I will suddenly find large quantities of liquids in my hand baggage (“You will need to either dump or apply that 1 litre bottle of moisturizer right now, sir”)
  
• I will be sitting between two really fat people (this happens often. The associated fantasy of being seated between two beautiful women who want to talk never happens!)
  
• The airline will be out of the “Asian Hindu Veg Meal” that I ordered, and will only have unlimited portions of Crab & Shrimp.
  
• I will fall down the steps from the aircraft and lose my memory (and my passport), and will wander aimlessly in an unknown airport for the rest of my life, scavenging cold airline food for leftovers (high bar of neuroses)
  

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